Two very gross stories.

Okay, I really want to make sure that you understand that these stories are very gross.

I mean it.

Gross.

If you're not into that, then click out of here, fast!

Because here goes...

2nd place gross:

Erik and I were sick this week and I got it first. On Monday I pretty much puked my guts out. It was really bad. I haven't been sick like that in a long time. It was violent. The peak of the puking violence came when the babies were in bed napping (a tender mercy), but Reid wasn't. Unfortunately. He was happily playing while I was in the bathroom, puking, and then came in to see what I was up to. The poor thing came in to see me retching into the toilet and started exclaiming, "Momma! Doing? Momma! Doing?"

His way of saying, "mom, what the heck are you doing?, and stop it right now!"

So cute.

Then, when that round was finished and I was kind of cleaning up in the sink, he stood up on the toilet seat next to the sink and put his hand on my shoulder and as I was rinsing and wiping my mouth said, "Okay now momma? Okay now? Momma, okay now?"

He is such a treasure.

And I hate throwing up.

1st place gross:

Dane has trouble pooping sometimes. Every now and then he'll go a few days without a decent poop and I can tell he gets uncomfortable, and that's when it's time to give him a suppository.

I know, this is gross. But I warned you. You still have time to get out now if you need to.

A few days ago I gave him a suppository. Usually what happens is he first poops a "plug" kind of poop and then once that's out he's able to poop the rest like normal. That's what happened this time also, except that when the firmer poop came out he pooped it out with such force that it flew out! No lie. It was like in the movies when someone pops a bottle of Champagne or something and it goes flying. Like on Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd kills the owl. I literally saw poop fly through the air, then land on my carpet.

It was completely disgusting, and so surprising that I didn't quite know what to do. Dane was still on the changing table, finishing his business, and I now had poop on the floor. Crazy.

Okay, so I know that story was really gross, but I hope the funniness of it makes up for the grossness.

And that is my life. I never my life could be filled with so much poop.

And so many sweet babies.

seriously.

To the future moms of many kids:

No one will tell you that you will spend the rest of your life cutting fingernails and toenails.  With our three little guys, it seriously is like a full-time job.  Their darn nails grow so fast, and between them all, that's 60 fingers and toes.

60!

Add that to the list of things that you'll only hear from me, because I'm honest.

Sure, the rest of the stuff is true, too.  Stuff like how you never knew you could be so happy and so tired at the same time.  You know, the sappy stuff.

But the fingernail thing is true, too.  True business.

You heard it here first.

Can I get an amen?  

Moms, what else could we add to the list of things no one tells you before you have kids?

my uniform.

Have you all heard of Gwyneth Paltrow's site goop? I love it. I love that even though she's all Gwyneth Paltrow-ish and stuff, that moms of little ones (and women in general) are pretty much interested in the same things. She talks about parenting, clothes, food, and "nourishing the inner aspect". I like that.
In this post she talks about her "uniform" and I could totally relate. At least in my Emily Olsen-ness. Here's a picture of her uniform, with the first upgrade.

It's a great concept, the uniform, that we all probably do to some degree but I think I'm going to work on mine a little bit and make it more developed (meaning less vague). Hopefully that will make life just that much easier.

I'd like to tell you that my uniform is an artful blend of Anthropologie and J.Crew. Sadly, that is not the case. I found the pictures of this gorgeous outfit on Anthropologie and even though that's what I think I look like in my head (minus the mile-long legs, I'm optimistic...not delusional), real life looks quite different from my imaginary life.

The big reason why I don't (can't) dress like that is my lifestyle. I mean, come on, dry clean only? Give me a break. Yesterday, by the end of the day, my shirt had on it: baby pee, spit-up, drool, Reid snot, and (sorry, I know this is too personal) leaked breastmilk. So far today my shirt had spit-up (that one happens daily, many many times) and (sorry, I know this one is too gross) Reid poop. Don't ask...and don't worry, I've since changed my shirt.

So, I think you get the idea. I need clothes that are easy. As in, super-ridiculous easy. My uniform is a fitted cotton tee and jeans. I wear that just about every day.

So, in case you were wondering, I look like this, except not quite as rested and I don't have such skinny arms. I have what are lovingly referred to as "Arnett arms". This is the wonder tee from Downeast Basics. If your lifestyle is like mine, here are some favorite places: Downeast Basics, Modbe clothing, and Shade. All of their clothes are modest and you can find pretty good deals. Two more requirements for clothes.

So now I need to work on my upgrades, things I can add to dress up my uniform. I'm thinking inexpensive accessories and easy-care jackets and sweaters.

What's your uniform? How much does your lifestyle influence your clothes and what do you look like in your head (your imaginary life)?

The aftermath.

In case you were wondering what my stomach looks like now that the babies are out instead of in...I'll show you. No, not with a picture of my actual stomach. That's a little personal and quite frankly, no one needs to see that.
But, if a movie were being made about my stomach, I would cast Chris Farley's stomach to play the role.
Do you ever think about that/get asked that? Who would play you in the movie about you? I've been told I look like Anne Hatheway (I think because of the big eyes, big teeth, big nose) but I don't really see it. When I was younger (and pre-babies) I got Alyssa Milano (I liked that one) and when my hair is long I get Alannis Morrisette (I don't like that one as much). Who have you been told you look like? I think Erik is Dave Grohl with a haircut. Yum.
So here is my casting choice. And there is my stomach. There's just a lot of skin that isn't quite sure what it's supposed to do or where it's supposed to go. So it just hangs there. Very attractive, I know. I'm just telling you...in case you were wondering.
Oh, and if you'd like to see more, go here. I think this is my all-time, grand champion, heavy-weight title holder, #1 favorite skit from Saturday Night Live. Laser cats is up there too.

In case you were wondering...It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Well hot dang. It was fun to read everyone's comments and fun to feel like we were all having a little movie party even though we live in many different places. Here are my boys, picking out the winner.

Reid picked a name out of the bowl.

Then here's Erik telling him he needs to open it up and Reid is blurry because I'm a horrible photographer and because he's trying to shake Erik off from helping him open up the name.

When he finally opened it...we saw the winner was...the Earle family! Yay! Amy, I hope they aren't hard as rocks by the time they reach Alaska. Email me with your address and with Marilee's. I think your entry counts for two winners.

Here's the goal, but no promises as to how they'll turn out. I'll let you all know if they are, in fact, TDF. I'm going to start talking like the girl on "Sleepless in Seattle."

On the baby front, things are going pretty well. I'm 37 weeks plus a couple days, and I think these boys are too comfortable in there. My mom got here on Thursday, so I'm feeling a lot more calm. I feel ready now. Thank goodness for my mom. Last week when we saw the perinatologist, the bigger boy measured at 6 lbs. and the smaller boy at 5 and a 1/2 lbs. So, they are regular sized babies, not just good-for-twins sized babies. Erik and I both contribute big baby genes, so it was inevitable. I hit 38 weeks on Saturday, and they won't let me go past that (or so they tell me)...so we are officially in the final stretch. Stay tuned to the blog for updates, and for my thoughts on makeup. I think I'll talk about that one tomorrow. It's fun to talk about. Is 27 too old for bright blue eyeliner?

In case you were wondering...what ginormous looks like.

This picture has nothing to do with being ginormous, it just makes me laugh.

This picture DOES have to do with being ginormous, and it makes me laugh. This was taken a week ago (at almost 34 weeks) and while for the split second of the picture I look almost put together, here's what's going on behind the scenes:

(second shot of me trying to look decent whilst looking frighteningly similar to Violet Beauregarde)

-This is my end of pregnancy hair-do - pulled back in a low bun. Very chic, right?

-I'm wearing hoop earrings to try and look like I'm somewhat hip. (Think Emily, think. What else did J. Lo do to look hip while she was carrying twins?)

-I probably had to pull up my maternity pants about 450 times that day.

-The two babies are both in my belly area. I know it looks like there's a third one hiding in my rear area, but nope. Just two. Both in the belly area.

-One baby likes to stay head down, nice and comfortable on his side. The other baby likes to do somersaults on his half and show up in a different position every time we have an ultrasound. On Tuesday he was sideways.

-The rough measurements on Tuesday (34 weeks, 2 days) showed that baby A is measuring at 34 weeks/3 days and that baby B is at 34 weeks/0 days. So, that means that I have two full-sized babies in me. That's very good news, it's just a little uncomfortable. I set two goals with this pregnancy: 1. to get past 36 weeks and deliver in December, and 2. deliver both boys at 6+ lbs. each. I think we may just make both goals. The only hitch left is deciding when and where we deliver. There are about 6 doctors involved in this decision, and it's still up for debate amongst them as to whether we deliver in Santa Barbara or San Luis Obispo. (it all has to do with the Pediatric Cardio services available and the odds of us needing them) Today I'm about 3 weeks away from the decided "born no later than" date, so Erik and I would appreciate a game plan sooner rather than later. I still have to go to Santa Barbara to see a Pediatric Cardiosurgeon. Hopefully he'll make the official call and we can start planning.

So, there's the update.

T minus 3 weeks.

In case you were wondering...how to survive a twins pregnancy

That sounds awfully dramatic, I know. But this twins business is harder than it was being pregnant with Reid. Here are some of my favorite coping mechanisms:

1. My Handsome McHottie husband, Erik. I call him my Knight in Shining Camouflage, because he swoops in and saves the day, every day. He goes to the store to pick up milk and bread, vacuums and cleans the kitchen while I'm napping, carries Reid and the diaper bag while opening the car door for me...seriously, he's a-mazing. Here's some proof. This is a shot of an average day. Erik comes home from a long day at work, changes his clothes, puts on something like "the Clash" and dances around with Reid. Then he'll move on to playing cars, reading books, and tidying up his room so that by the time I've got dinner ready, Reid is getting pretty tuckered out. Perfection.
2. While this probably isn't absolutely necessary, I've found that it definitely puts me in a better mood. So, for everyone else's sake this item might be a requirement for survival. My parents sent us some heavenly cookies. They are from Cheryl and Co. and they're frosted sugar cookies, my favorite. It was such a fun surprise to get them in the mail, and I'm enjoying them immensely. I think any day can be improved with a good sugar cookie.

3. While on the subject of food, my pregnancy nemesis, I've thought of some more essential survival tools. I'm sure it's hard to believe, it is for me at least, (I mean, come on. I have Arnett genes! I was born to be soft and squishy and lovable!) but I have been having a hard time gaining enough weight. It's just hard to eat enough for all three of us. This obviously causes me concern because I want to make sure that the boys are able to gain enough weight. So, this is what my daily food choices usually consist of: lots of whole milk, a burger and fries, something with cream cheese in it, ice cream, something eaten with peanut butter, meat, etc. Like today, I made Thai peanut chicken - the perfect pregnancy dinner: chicken, broccoli, rice, and a great sauce with LOTS of peanut butter. Erik is constantly reminding me to eat, or trying to get me to eat more. I'm sure I won't get a lot of sympathy with this, because whenever I mention how sick I am of eating like this, I get a lot of responses like, "Oh, you're so lucky. I wish I had to eat like that!" I understand the sentiment, I would have responded the same way. But believe me, it's no fun. When I crave something now, it's usually something like carrots or apples. So I eat carrots with dip and apples with peanut butter. I guess the grass is always greener...

4. A big survival method for me is daydreaming about wearing clothes that aren't maternity clothes. I find myself thinking about it a lot. My favorite stores to check out online when I'm in a daydreamy mood are J. Crew and Anthropologie. I like to add things to my cart like I'm shopping, but then when I've satisfied my hankering I just close the browser and go about my day. I mean, seriously, where would I even where an outfit this gorgeous? I live in a tiny coastal town, and the fanciest part of our week is going to church. I'm content to daydream, though. This specific outfit caused me to imagine that I was a gallery owner and this is what I would wear when I went to an opening of a new collection by an exciting new artist. Can't you see it? 5. Of course, sleep is a big necessity. My specific recommendation is to get a memory foam mattress topper. We got one for Christmas two years ago when I was pregnant with Reid, and it has been a lifesaver both times. I have no advice as to how to get out of bed gracefully, though. I'm not quite sure it can be done.

6. My last point for today is that it really helps a lot to remember that everyone has their bad days. I sure don't feel very cute lately, and that gets old after months and months of pulling your maternity jeans back up where they belong, or figuring out what I can wear that doesn't make me look like either frumpy/"mom-jeans" or finding something that covers the whole belly. (I've reached the point where I'm like those guys who wear very large t-shirts but they still have some beer belly popping out at the bottom. Not good.)

My intent with this next picture isn't to be mean-spirited. Not at all. I mean, seriously, she's one of the most gorgeous women to ever walk the earth. But it does make me feel a little better to know that even Catherine Zeta-Jones has her bad days. I'm not going to be so hard on myself the next time I wake up and look in the mirror and think, "dang, it looks like I've been kicked in the gut all night." Because...well, I have. And, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, right? Right.

In case you were wondering...

This post will be the first in a series: In case you were wondering...what it's like to have two babies growing in your belly. It's going to be riveting.

First up...stretch marks. It finally happened. I didn't get any with Reid, and I thought I was going to make it all the way through this pregnancy without them. I felt all sneaky, like I was pulling the wool over mother nature's eyes. Like, if I can get through two pregnancies (one of which was a twin pregnancy) without stretch marks, then I must be immune. Sadly, I am not. A week or so ago a small batch appeared. I had been using Palmer's lotion religiously everyday. Seriously. I think I've gone through 12 bottles so far. But it was no match for the belly that will not stop growing. I have since upgraded to using this scar serum as well. Let me tell you about how lovely it is. On the back it lists the magic ingredients that magically fade scars. Erik and I were at the store reading the box and one of the ingredients listed is "Shark Liver Oil." For real. Erik was like, "doesn't this sound like some crazy stuff that a peddler would try and sell you off of his cart?" Yes. Yes it does. That didn't stop me from buying it though. What makes this stuff so lovely is that it smells just how you would imagine shark liver oil would smell. The smell means business, too. It's around for the long haul. I haven't given up on it yet, I've only been using it for a few days, but it better start making a difference soon because the smell is getting to me. And I don't even like fish.